Feb 10

So I forgot to post this after I wrote it.  Pretend like you are reading it two weeks ago.

Given the Broncos vs. Patriots playoff football game that just happened, I figured now was the right time for my third installment of ‘Congratulations, You suck!’

You probably think this is about Tim Tebow.  Surprisingly, it kind of isn’t, and here is why.  When it comes to skill, Tim Tebow isn’t as good at football as some other people, but I also never hear him claim that he is.  All I see is him working hard to get better (plus a little jesus-y showboating).

Nope, this installment is about media and belief in a mystical higher power.

Example one:

Congratulations you suck, but because you attribute your partial success to a higher power, you will be the news story.  Do you know the main reason a decent portion of the public hates Tebow?  Because reporters won’t shut the fuck up about him.  If they didn’t bring up the ‘Jesus’ angle all of the time, you would hear his name exactly as often as you hear Colt McCoy’s.  Sure, Tebow is a nice guy, he works hard, is charitable, etc.  Do you know where that would make a great story?  Not on Sportscenter.  Just like people watching Oxygen or the Jesus Channel expect their shows to not have main characters who are good at football but hate women/religion, I expect my sports channels to not have main characters who suck at their sport but are great at Christianity.

Example 2

Congratulations you suck, but I want to believe god helps you, so you are probably awesome. It is pretty easy for me to tangent this into a generic religion argument, but I’ll try and stay more focused.  When the Broncos started winning, my social network feeds turned into angel farts and Jesus kisses for Tebow.  Those people are the reason the reporters behaved like they did — pandering to the audience.  However, when they lost, and badly, it turned into excuses and “Leave Tebow alone, he’s better than you”.  Yep, he is better than me, in a lot of ways — especially ways Christians value, like worshiping god or attributing success to a higher power.  He’s also better than me at football.  But, I’m not in the NFL, I develop software (probably better than him).  Also, you know who he isn’t better than?  Tom Brady.  That game was a classic example of how, no matter how hard you want to believe, quality actions will consistently beat prayers and wishes.  Or in simpler terms “Wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which fills up first.”

So, just to wrap up, here are some facts.  Tim Tebow is a low quality NFL quarterback.  Attributing things to a higher power when they go right, but making excuses when they go wrong is hypocritical.  Thinking a higher power exists that created the whole universe (but also gives a shit about a football game) is annoying.

Dec 28

The title of this is a little misleading. I’m not ranting about Christmas (or at least don’t plan to as of now, who knows where the post will lead), I am just ranting and it happens to be Christmas time.

First, I just read an article in the NY Times that talks about text messages and their high prices. It basically says the providers are price gouging and should be ashamed of themselves/sued. Seriously? “Hi, I provide a service that cost a shit-ton to build the infrastructure for, including hardware and spectrum rights. I just figured out a stupid add on that teenagers love that costs me literally nothing, but I can charge 20 cents for.” “Umm, excuse me sir, that is wrong, if it is cheap for you and you charge me for it, that is unfair.” If you are addicted enough to text messaging that you will pay 20 cents per message, or 5 bucks for 200 or 15 bucks for unlimited or whatever it is, good for AT&T for convincing you to pay for something that email/twitter/facebook/IM does for free if you have a data plan. By the way, I pay 5 bucks a month for 200 text messages (of which I use 9), so AT&T got me too. Next time someone figures out a way to provide goods or services at a profit and you complain about it, slap yourself for being retarded. It is called capitalism and it works (usually).

Second item: Capitalism doesn’t work. Oh my god, I totally contradicted myself there, quick someone point it out. Actually, no one will point it out because only 4 people read this, and they are all too lazy to comment. Plus I just pointed it out. <Inner Rant>Why do I blog? Seriously 4 people read this and I’m sure I’ll bitch about all of these things to each one of them in due time anyway. It must be my delusions of grandeur. <End Inner Rant> So here is the thing about capitalism, she’s a fickle bitch. Economics 101 talks about supply and demand and self correction, and that is all well and good but that is only part of the story. The more important part, and the part that doesn’t “work” is speculation. What do I mean by speculation? No I don’t think you are too dumb to know the definition, I think I am, so I’m telling you what I think the definition is. When I say speculation I am really talking about any leveraging of money based on future expectations. Stocks, Options, Hedges, Futures, Loans, etc. Anytime your economy is based on future expectations, you will have large swings in prosperity/recession. The only way to keep moderate swings is to continually innovate (i.e. produce the same goods/services for less) which is improbable, and have no corruption (yeah right, this is the human race we are talking about), or to have regulations. The free market will correct itself, but only after rising so high that it comes crashing down (see today’s economy). I could have framed this argument way better, and it probably would have actually made more sense, but that would have taken too long. Just believe me, I made a 5 on my economics AP test.

Next, Christmas. Yep, worked it in, the title fits after all. I got in to a twiscussion (i just made that up and it means “discussion over twitter”, the least effective way to converse in depth) with one of my friends over an article saying scientists are pooping their panties over “Ice Age 3 Dinosaurs in Action” (I forget the actual title). They say “excuse me, it is scientifically inaccurate to show Dinosaurs coming AFTER mammoths in the earth’s history, and I won’t stand for it”. The person writing the article is witty enough to point out that said scientists didn’t complain about the scientific inaccuracy that the mammoth and the dinosaurs can SPEAK IN ENGLISH TO EACH OTHER. That is all well and good, but let’s take it one step further. Fiction doesn’t have to be scientifically correct. That is why it is called Fiction. There is a difference between show #1 — fiction that is portraying reality, like “hi, I’m a made up doctor character in the ER, here are some doctor words that should be correct” and show #2 — complete fiction like “hi, I’m a cartoon rabbit that speaks to a retarded hunter, so clearly I am not based in reality, I can shoot him in the face with a shotgun and it will only burn his hat and then I can sprint away leaving dust bubbles”. If you are a doctor and you watch show #1, you can be mad if the character says “I need 500g of pvc bilaterally injected into this smaschmorta stat” because that means they didn’t take the time to research that shit. However, unless you are an illustrated long-eared animal that leaves dust bubbles when you run, you need to STFU about realism while watching show #2.

Sorry, now really about Christmas. Christmas is the second kind of fiction in my opinion. It is a story not based in reality, so it doesn’t have to strictly be realistic. Before you get indignant and say “Jesus is real, you are sorely mistaken and will probably go to hell”, 2 things.

  1. This still definitely applies to the Santa Claus story part of Christmas, so think of it in that manner.
  2. I also believe it applies to the ‘virgin-born, resurrected, flies with angels’ Jesus story as well. If you don’t, just focus on point #1.

Because it is a fictional story, I see no problem in telling it to kids for a fun time. Poops and giggles if you will. But as soon as the kid is old enough/smart enough to question the story and say “that doesn’t seem real”, don’t lie to him. Encourage him to question seemingly made up things, because while fiction is fun, lying and telling them fiction is reality is unfair. Children look up to adults for direction, especially authority figures like parents, it is our nature as humans, and they take their word as truth. So make sure your word actually is the truth and encourage further learning. If you are concerned he’ll ruin the story for other kids, tell him not to, he’s the kid, you are the parent. And if he does, oh well, what’s the harm in making another kid smarter.

Next, parenthetical thoughts. I overuse those mofo’s. Almost every sentence I write has a parenthetical aside written in to it (man this is annoying) and man that is annoying to read. I’m sorry that I do it, I just have so many brilliant thoughts in my stream of writing that I have to try and cram them all in. I’ll try to do it with more literariness in the future.

Finally, damn I forgot my last one. I had a really good one that I was saving for the last, but I completely blanked on it now. Oh well, consider yourself unlucky. Here is a quick and topical substitute. Memory. My memory sucks balls. The other day I forgot my zip code and couldn’t pump gas with my credit card because it required it. Gay. Then, a while back, I forgot how old I was, I was off by 2 years. Yeah, 2 years. Apparently the last time my brain decided to remember my age was 2 years ago. Also, I will say I’m going to do something right as I’m starting to do it, then forget. Or someone will tell me to do something and I will forget to do it within 10 seconds. Example: Wife:”Hey, don’t forget to turn off the light as you come to bed.” Me<walking towards the bedroom from the kitchen, about 15 feet from light switch>: “Ok, will do.” Wife<10 seconds later>: “Damn it, you are in bed and the light is on.” Me<sucking at life>: “Man I suck at life.” So if anyone has any ideas on how I can turn back on my brain memory function, please leave a comment.

Sep 20
The Worst Ever
icon1 meezy | icon2 facts, profane, random | icon4 09 20th, 2008| icon31 Comment »
  1. PT Cruiser:

    The only things worse than the guy who designed this car are the people who signed off on its production and the 9 people who bought one.
  2. Baseball:

    This is by far the most boring sport (golf has Tiger Woods so they’re ok) and to top that off, they stretch the game length out by having short bursts of activity (10 seconds) surrounded by guys standing around for 5 minutes. The shortest baseball game on record was 7 hours and 10 minutes, look it up. In order to play you can be overweight, and only succeed at your job of getting a hit 20% of the time. If you fail a little less than 2/3rds of the time (even after taking performance enhancing drugs) you are considered a god.
  3. Dick Cheney:

    This one probably could have just been ‘The Bush Administration’, but this guy is a bit of a stand out. Somehow while he was heading up the committee to find a VP for GWB, he failed to think it would be a conflict of interest if the guy they chose for VP was a CEO for a company that would get $10 billion in government contracts thanks to the war he helped start by spreading false information. Oh, by the way, his committee decided to choose himself. While his Halliburton illegal-ness (I’ll quit as CEO for $20 million and then give you $10 billion in no-bid contracts where you can fail and get even more contracts) is somewhat (like barely) hearsay, his refusal to obey the law isn’t. He refused to release documents required by congress while fighting to extend the power of the executive branch by challenging laws put in place by congress to oversee the president (bye bye checks and balances, hello dictatorship). He also supports forms of torture considered illegal in U.S. laws and international treaties. Even though he likes to start wars so much, he doesn’t like to fight in them, just make money off of them. He dodged the Vietnam draft 5 times saying “I had other priorities in the ’60s than military service.” I bet this guy did too. I’ve also heard he likes to eat babies while shooting his friends in the face.
  4. Spandex:

    Not a whole lot needs to be said here. Maybe I’m being too harsh on the fabric, maybe its more an issue with people’s decision making skills. Either way, its like locking up your guns to protect you child from shooting himself. If that guy didn’t have access to spandex, he would have chosen sweat pants. Now I’m not trying to be rude to fat people, I am also too fat to wear spandex. So I don’t wear it. I wear t-shirts.

  5. Standard Units:
  6. This is the division of countries for/against Metric before and after World War II.


    This is now:

    At least we are still measuring things against sizes of a human body part. Can someone please tell me what the length of 1 Rod is? One time the US wanted to be a leader in the scientific world, so we shot the Mars Orbiter 4x too fast into the atmosphere of Mars because we use ‘US Customary Units’. Awesome.

  7. Catholicism:

    Catholicism has a long and sordid history of supporting the Nazi’s, molesting young children, covering up the molesting young children, moving to another parish and molesting more young children, making up ‘edicts from god’ that are politically and personally motivated, oppressing people, brainwashing children and adults, resisting critical thinking, resisting scientific progress, swindling people out of their money, and controlling people through fear. Now those attributes aren’t all unique to Catholicism, but I just chose it among other religions/denominations because it stands out for its achievements in these areas.

So these things are in no particular order, and I actually had about 2-3 more that I wanted to include, but this post is long enough already.  Not long like too much reading, long like it took me longer than 5 minutes to make.  Also, I just previewed it in my current theme and it looks like a blind 2 year old cut things from a magazine and pasted them on my webpage, so this thing might be unreadable until I get a new theme.

Aug 18

Completely ignoring my last post, which said I will make more technical posts, here is an opinionated post about the world.

There are several instances of our society putting pressure on schools/parents/<insert authority figure> to coddle people.  Give everyone a participation award.  No one gets first place because that singles out the losers.  Don’t make Fatty McFat Fat take responsibility for eating McDonalds everyday, it’s McD’s fault.  I sneezed, I better take 15 prescription drugs that are advertised to me.  My kid doesn’t like homework, better give him some medication.

These are all instances of fail on a national level.  But this isn’t even the worst of it.  It is one thing to ignore the fact that some people are losers, but even worse, now we award it.

First example, congratulating people who fuck up really badly but it could have been a little worse.  A SWAT team raids the wrong house and the home owner, rightfully so, thinks his family is being robbed.  He freaks out (probably shits his pj’s) and shoots at them, giving minor injuries to 3 officers (shrapnel hit their protective gear).  Then the SWAT team gets honored for performing bravely under fire.  Let’s break this down.  SWAT team makes huge effin mistake and raids an innocent person’s home.  This is breaking the law last time I checked.  Otherwise we should just let the police raid any home they want, and then if they don’t find anything “oh my bad, I meant to raid a drug dealer’s house.  As you were little 9 y.o. girl who will have nightmares for the rest of her life”.  Next, super luckily, no one was killed on either side.  At this point the right thing to do is to say “We owe this family some sort of restitution, the people involved with the mixup need to be punished, and we need to change certain protocols to ensure this doesn’t happen again.”  Instead they said “sorry we F’d your house and life, but our guys did a great job of not killing you, so we will give them awards”.  This is like congratulating someone who has already shit their pants for not shitting them the second time.

Next example, congratulating people on a miraculous acheivement when they totally fuck up, but then make a turn around.  This one is slightly different from the previous one because these people are celebrated more than someone who doesn’t fuck up and is just a badass from the beginning.  These stories usually have jesus, a warm cup of cocoa and crying.  Josh Hamilton was a good baseball player.  Then he F’d over his life by doing drugs.  Then through the graciousness of jesus (who apparently hated Josh for a while when he made him do drugs and ruin his life) he was able to come back and be an above average baseball player.  Therefore JOSH HAMILTON ROCKS!!!!!!  I gotta be honest, I didn’t completely read this story because it has my 3 least favorite things in the world: baseball, rewarding shittiness, and attributing only good things to religion.  But let’s break down what I skimmed over.  Everyone thought J.H. would be the shit so he was drafted high.  He did ok, but didn’t amount to much because he did drugs all the time (OMG he has 26 tattoos).  Bottom line, as much shit as this guy got in to, he should be in jail.  Illegal drugs, drunk driving, drug suspensions from MLB.  Instead, he is now back to playing decent baseball for a decent (tettering on 500) team.  He did hit 28 homeruns in one round of the home run derby, only to lose (but he got congrationlations on losing, see last example).  If we compare his life and achievements to say (to stay in the baseball realm) Cal Ripken Jr., then we shouldn’t be singing J.H.’s praises, we should be calling him a douchebag that makes more money than he is worth.  Giving extra rewards to someone for fucking up their life but eeking out a turn around is like paying your worst employee a bonus the one time he shows up to work not late.

Last example, rewarding someone for not winning.  Funny enough J.H. falls in this category too with his home run derby P.E.  But a better example is our current president.  He was rewarded for almost winning the election by becoming president so that he could build up arguably the worst administration in the history of the United States and dump tax money to large affiliated corporations like it was going out of style.  I only say arguably because some people would argue, but its true.  Then he almost won the war in Iraq and he was rewarded with a Mission Accomplished party, and yet we seem to have accomplished nothing besides dumping a lot of money, life, and international credibility down the drain.  Then he almost won at working 40 hours a week, and was rewarded by taking more vacation than any other president ever.  So congratulation GWB, you are awesome at not winning.

I don’t really have a closing to this.  Only a minor call to action.  The next time you see/read/hear someone being rewarded for overall shittiness, stand up, look them in the eye and say “I’ve got your reward right here!” and then punch them in the face and/or genitalia.