I often feel that I don’t have a normal set of feelings (see what I did there?). So here comes some realness that may not be popular opinion. First a few examples.
- I don’t miss people when separated. I don’t know if it is lack of memory, or selfishness, or complacency in adapting to surroundings – but if I don’t pay attention, I go a long time without thinking about people if they aren’t in front of my face. One time at college my sister was like “it’s been 2 months, call mom or we’ll both kill you.”
- I rarely get over one standard deviation from the center of my emotional bell curve. Happy things make me a little happy, sad things make me a little sad, angry things make me a little angry. Mostly I’m just “go with the flow” mellow. (alcohol voids this statement)
So, having set the stage, my latest pondering is how I’ll feel toward my kid. Like I’ve always thought “I could never adopt a kid, because I may just be ‘meh’ toward them”. So on a lesser scale that translates to a biological child. When I bring this up, or hear people talking about kids, everyone exclaims “most love! feelings! emotions! overload! hardest! best! worth it! awesome! greatest experience!”. And all I can think is settle down with the superlatives susan – either everyone is bullshitting me, or my standard deviations are about to change. Because based on the way I describe my emotions, that sounds like hyperbole I would never reach.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say I think I won’t love my child. I’m just skeptical that it is going to be as crazy as people make it out to be. I suppose I’ll find out soon, and report back.