Feb 14

Another posed photo. This is a lovely picture of us with our friends Jimmy and Rosa. The only problem is, it raises many more questions than answers.

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  1. why did we decide to play wife swap for the camera?
  2. why am I kind of throwing my chest forward like “come at me bro”?
  3. why is Jimmy double fisting shiner? More importantly, why am I not?
  4. what does my shirt mean? Seriously, someone who knows French, please tell me, I forgot.
Feb 14
Is this normal?
icon1 meezy | icon2 facts | icon4 02 14th, 2012| icon32 Comments »

I often feel that I don’t have a normal set of feelings (see what I did there?). So here comes some realness that may not be popular opinion. First a few examples.

  • I don’t miss people when separated. I don’t know if it is lack of memory, or selfishness, or complacency in adapting to surroundings – but if I don’t pay attention, I go a long time without thinking about people if they aren’t in front of my face. One time at college my sister was like “it’s been 2 months, call mom or we’ll both kill you.”
  • I rarely get over one standard deviation from the center of my emotional bell curve. Happy things make me a little happy, sad things make me a little sad, angry things make me a little angry. Mostly I’m just “go with the flow” mellow. (alcohol voids this statement)

So, having set the stage, my latest pondering is how I’ll feel toward my kid. Like I’ve always thought “I could never adopt a kid, because I may just be ‘meh’ toward them”. So on a lesser scale that translates to a biological child. When I bring this up, or hear people talking about kids, everyone exclaims “most love! feelings! emotions! overload! hardest! best! worth it! awesome! greatest experience!”. And all I can think is settle down with the superlatives susan – either everyone is bullshitting me, or my standard deviations are about to change. Because based on the way I describe my emotions, that sounds like hyperbole I would never reach.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say I think I won’t love my child. I’m just skeptical that it is going to be as crazy as people make it out to be. I suppose I’ll find out soon, and report back.

Feb 10

So my wife always gives me a hard time because I don’t like taking photos. They annoy me for many reasons, but here are my two main reasons against posed photos.

  1. my fake smile comes across as “amused at best”, and if I try to show teeth it looks frightening
  2. the concept of posing is essentially “quick, everyone stop actually doing the thing we enjoy enough to capture for posterity, and stand here for a minute looking awkward”

Granted, not everyone looks awkward. Some people pose really well, but I am not one of those people. So in an effort to prove my point, I am going to start going over some of my photos.

So for this first time, I’d like to do a comparison between a posed photo, and a “real action shot” (gotta think of a less douchey name for the 2nd type).

First the posed photo. Notice the “I’m happy???” (read by Ron Burgundy) smile I’m rocking? That’s actually one of my best, FYI.
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Let’s examine the scene. I’m sitting there thinking “this is nice to be posing with my lovely wife in front of this football. You know what would be even nicer? Playing fucking football with it.” I don’t remember why we are doing this, or really anything about what was happening. I think it was Christmas.

Now, let’s compare a natural photo. Who is in this photo? Except for it being in the context of my blog, people who weren’t there probably wouldn’t know it is me. That isn’t a problem, it is a conversation starter. If they do know it is me, they must be stalking me and know that is shirt #2 of my 3 nice shirts, and therefore recognize me and know that it is a Monday, Thursday, or Saturday.

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The scene in this photo brings back a vivid memory (even though I was drunk), and a story for me to tell when people ask “who is that, and why did his wife take a picture of him praying on a dirty garage floor.” New years. Amarillo. Flip cup. Table full of beer just got thrown over on purpose. I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself.

So clearly, you can see that the live action shot is the winner. I’ll present further evidence for my case next time.

Feb 10

So I forgot to post this after I wrote it.  Pretend like you are reading it two weeks ago.

Given the Broncos vs. Patriots playoff football game that just happened, I figured now was the right time for my third installment of ‘Congratulations, You suck!’

You probably think this is about Tim Tebow.  Surprisingly, it kind of isn’t, and here is why.  When it comes to skill, Tim Tebow isn’t as good at football as some other people, but I also never hear him claim that he is.  All I see is him working hard to get better (plus a little jesus-y showboating).

Nope, this installment is about media and belief in a mystical higher power.

Example one:

Congratulations you suck, but because you attribute your partial success to a higher power, you will be the news story.  Do you know the main reason a decent portion of the public hates Tebow?  Because reporters won’t shut the fuck up about him.  If they didn’t bring up the ‘Jesus’ angle all of the time, you would hear his name exactly as often as you hear Colt McCoy’s.  Sure, Tebow is a nice guy, he works hard, is charitable, etc.  Do you know where that would make a great story?  Not on Sportscenter.  Just like people watching Oxygen or the Jesus Channel expect their shows to not have main characters who are good at football but hate women/religion, I expect my sports channels to not have main characters who suck at their sport but are great at Christianity.

Example 2

Congratulations you suck, but I want to believe god helps you, so you are probably awesome. It is pretty easy for me to tangent this into a generic religion argument, but I’ll try and stay more focused.  When the Broncos started winning, my social network feeds turned into angel farts and Jesus kisses for Tebow.  Those people are the reason the reporters behaved like they did — pandering to the audience.  However, when they lost, and badly, it turned into excuses and “Leave Tebow alone, he’s better than you”.  Yep, he is better than me, in a lot of ways — especially ways Christians value, like worshiping god or attributing success to a higher power.  He’s also better than me at football.  But, I’m not in the NFL, I develop software (probably better than him).  Also, you know who he isn’t better than?  Tom Brady.  That game was a classic example of how, no matter how hard you want to believe, quality actions will consistently beat prayers and wishes.  Or in simpler terms “Wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which fills up first.”

So, just to wrap up, here are some facts.  Tim Tebow is a low quality NFL quarterback.  Attributing things to a higher power when they go right, but making excuses when they go wrong is hypocritical.  Thinking a higher power exists that created the whole universe (but also gives a shit about a football game) is annoying.